Super-Boyfriends! #1: Stay At Home Dad

We at Bookshelf Boyfriend Towers don’t always want to sound down on boys, in fact we often think they can be rather wonderful! In order to mark our acknowledgment of this fact we have decided to profile the views, stories and opinions of some fine specimens of boys, today we are starting with the story of a Stay at Home Dad. If you are the exemplification of a Super-Boyfriend get in touch and tell us your story too.

My first year as a Stay At Home Dad

“I’ve been a Full Time Dad (FTD) – my label of choice – for about 18 months, since my wife returned to work after her maternity leave had finished. This decision was made on strictly financial terms. We didn’t want to put our daughter Mollie into a nursery and my wife earns more than I used to, so the moment we saw the blue line on the test I knew that my ‘working’ days were numbered.

Father Son and Purple by maubrowncow

99 days out of 100 I absolutely love it and wouldn’t change what I do for any obvious cliché you can think of. There is the odd day I pray for some adult company or even just some peace and quiet, but these are few and far between. I know that I am a very, very lucky man to do what I do. I have two women who love me dearly- one old enough to go back to work whilst I lounge at home all day watching Neighbours, play in the park with all the Mums and generally have lots of fun, and one who loves me enough to let me wipe her bum several times a day, clean up after her and generally wait on her hand and foot 24/7.

I started taking time off work for all the important things that I would have been there for anyway (scans, ante-natal classes etc) and was always very happy, bordering on proud to state at these that I was going to be a FTD. The usual reaction to this was jealousy from both sexes. Women said how great it’d be to spend all day with your child, and most men mentioned the words ‘Play Station’ at some point.

I didn’t tell anybody at work my intentions before I handed in my notice. I broke the news at the office by bringing in cakes for them. When I was asked what they were for I told them all that I’d just quit. I was so happy it was ridiculous. It was time for a new chapter in my life to begin.

I’d imagined that it would be an easy thing to do, get Mollie sleeping, do a bit of decorating (perhaps a bit of that Play Station thingy) and have the house finished by Christmas. That kind of thing. It soon became apparent that this was not the most realistic expectation and my goals quickly changed. I learned how to use the washing machine and how to cook food that didn’t involve a microwave. I became much more skilled around the house in general. I’d always considered myself to be a relatively modern and fairly domesticated chap, knowing which end of a Hoover did what, stuff like that. But I think it would be fair to say that I found my new role to be in a whole different league!

The most daunting thing was going to the Parent and Toddler groups for the first time. Imagine meeting your last boyfriend’s friends, parents & family, all on the same day, doubled. That is roughly what it feels like to be a bloke with a pram, walking into a Parent & Toddler group for the first time. The second time is relatively easier as you are not a stranger, but it still isn’t a picnic either.

Some of the moments that make you realise just how much of a woman’s world childcare is might sound really silly to people who have not seen it from the other side. For instance, in some shops and shopping centres the baby change facilities are in the Ladies toilets or are called Mother & Baby rooms. I know it sounds petty but it does niggle me. I will quite gladly walk through the Ladies to get to a baby changing room now! If Mollie needs a clean and there is only one place to do it, then that is where I will go.

When I first started taking Mollie swimming last summer the instructor used to tell us to put our children on our hips. I was sitting there saying to her – “errrr – I have no hips I’m a bloke!!” She is now much more used to me being there and in fact at this term’s swimming there were four dads in the water at the first lesson, which was quite nice for me. It shows how things are slowly changing for the better in my humble opinion.

A Father and Son by EJP Photo

My second most memorable comments have been: “oh look – a man with a pram, how strange!” (how much did that one annoy me?) and “Oh, playing Housemaid for the day are you?” (I wouldn’t mind, but she is a shopkeeper and says it EVERYTIME I go into her shop). Both of these comments have been from people I could politely call ‘older’. In stark contrast one of the people who seems the most impressed with what I’ve done is actually my Granddad. He never tires of telling me what a great job he thinks I’m doing and how he thinks “it’s bloody marvellous what you do boy”. (It can’t really be favouritism as he has six Grandchildren and five Great grandchildren.)

I’ve found that after a year or so people do get to know your face in the groups, the shops, the park and just generally out and about. I am on first name terms with quite a few people in my hometown – OK that’s not strictly true – quite a few people are on first name terms with Mollie! She seems to smile at everyone wherever we go, and people seem happy to stop and chat to her, so it can take a bit longer to do things when she is with me.

It does of course go without saying that the good times are also much, much better than I had anticipated them to be. Her first “Dada” had me pretty much in tears. I’ve seen her first steps, seen her poo into her potty for the first time. We’ve had a lovely summer managing to fill our days with walks to the park (always a lovely place to meet parents for a bit of that all elusive adult conversation), coffee mornings, trips to Croydon and Bluewater (she loved Bluewater- so many people to smile at!!). One of her Nans tend to come over most weeks, so I get to see them when they play with their first grandchild, which is a really rewarding thing for me.

I guess that I have been lucky enough to witness pretty much all of the traditional ‘firsts’ that most dads get to miss, and many other things as well. We’re really, really happy with the choices that we made way back when for me to ‘retire’ as I so laughingly joked at the time. We wouldn’t do anything differently given the choice.”

Is Batman the perfect boyfriend?

We’ve been trying to ascertain at Bookshelf Boyfriend Towers if Batman (aka the Dark Knight) could be the ‘perfect boyfriend’.  Without question he has a stream of benefits that support the argument that he is: the undeniable good looks, pert pecks and defined cheekbones of Christian Bale; the billionaire status; the regular heroics; and his fleet of rather outstanding vehicles combined with his lack of droning on and on about them for hours whilst standing in the rain looking in adulation at them all with the rest of his mates from the pub. Also, we’re fairly unanimous here that we are rather partial to the solitary dark and brooding gentleman (we’re all big fans of Heathcliff here too), a trait which Batman has in abundance.

But then there are the negatives as well. He is up and out of the house most nights, so little time for a quiet night in just the two of you with a bottle of wine and a dvd. But then again, even Batman needs the odd night off, and it is kind of nice to each have your own space.

Its all very well if you’re Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhall’s character) and know the alter-ego of Bruce Wayne, but if he didn’t include you in the trials and tribulations of what is, understandably, a hard-going and at times traumatic ‘hobby’/night job, there would be lots of opportunity for jealousy, anger and irritation to rear their ugly heads, while you constantly wonder what on earth he is up to each night and why so tired and grumpy during the day. However, the answer to that problem is a simple one, which should be the bedrock of all strong relationships – openness, honesty and trust.  If you’re getting annoyed with the long hours that Batman is keeping you should feel comfortable enough in your relationship to raise this issue. Similarly he, as Bruce Wayne, should be honest with you from the moment your relationship gets ’serious’ and explain that he leads the life a world-class stealth vigilante, and that maintaining the anonimity of his true identity is of the utmost importance in order to protect the good people of Gotham.  If he can’t trust you to keep this a secret, and if you can’t be sympathetic to his nightly exploits and consequential ‘downs’ the following day, then frankly the relationship is doomed from the start and, indeed, Batman is not the perfect boyfriend for you.

The best thing about Batman is his modesty, and quite right too. Although his strength, agility and skills have taken more than just a lot of hours at the gym to achieve, without the strong team around him he would not half the super-hero he is today. Most significant is the relationship between Batman and his right-hand-man Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Caine) and his head of R & D at Wayne Enterprises, Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman). The mutual respect and loyalty shown between these men is testament to the fundamentally good character of Batman, and a demonstration that a similar relationship between the two of you could also manifest itself. It is also a fine example that no man (or woman) can achieve super-hero status by their own merits alone. The moral of this story can be applied to our own mundane regular lives, if you or your partner have tried to fix a problem for example around the house, but to no avail, there is no shame in calling that plumber or joiner to come and fix the problem for you – Batman would do just the same.

Stubborn pride gets you nowhere, and that is a trait that Batman, as the Dark Knight at least, does not possess. 

Conclusion: Batman could well be the perfect boyfriend, just so long as when he is Bruce Wayne he drops his overt playboy antics.

Single workers hit by financial crisis

As news reports yesterday stated, inflation has reached an 11 year high.  

This is further bad news for the “invisible poor” who were identified by a National Consumer Council report as being primarily young single workers living on their own with no dependent children.  These are people working long hours on a low income, who pay their bills, their tax and their contributions, but are struggling to pay for more than basic essentials.

The report says they are being “neglected” by government whose policies (rightly) help families, children and pensioners, but ignore the low-waged singles. Similarly, many businesses, from phone companies to insurers to utility companies, overlook singles. Yet this group makes up one sixth of the UK’s workforce, and could be you or someone you know.

The Bad News:

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation reports that a single person needs to earn at least £13,400 a year in order to achieve an acceptable standard of living, which is half the amount needed by a family of four.  The problem for poorer workers is that the proportion of income spent on essentials is now growing at a faster rate than their wages.  This has not been helped by the rising cost of food, petrol and household energy bills, which have nearly doubled over the last four years.  

The removal by the government of the 10p tax band means that, despite the compensation announcement at the last mini-budget, 500,000 single childless adults under 25, another 115,000 childless single people aged 25 to 55 and 140,000 childless couples aged 25 to 55 will lose an average of £83 a year.  

On top of all this, many single people who bought a house a few years ago, are now finding their fixed-term fixed-rate mortgages coming to an end – typically pushing up the payment by over £100 per month on a £100,000 mortgage. Those faced with negative equity can’t re-mortgage to find a better deal and are now stuck paying even higher rates of interest.  These mortgage rate rises are also seeing to the rise in private rents.

The Better News:

If you are struggling financially there are a few things you can do to help your situation. 

• Read the Bookshelf Boyfriend guide to budgeting and planning your finances, and check out the rest of our finance section.
• See if you are entitled to any benefits such as Working Tax Credit, which many people fail to claim.
• Shop around and switch your gas and energy supplier regularly.
• Install a water meter if you are in England and Wales. If for practical reasons your water company refuses this, ask them to offer you an “assessed charge” based on an estimate of your use as a single householder or on what other metered customers in your area pay. 
• If you are getting motor insurance, again, shop around, and include another person (such as a friend or relative) on your policy, which can help to reduce the cost by up to £200.
• If you think you are going to struggle with your mortgage payments soon, it may be worth considering renting out a spare room or all of your property and becoming a landlord.  In which case you will also need to consider the pros and cons of renting, if you don’t have family to stay with.  
• If your money is out of control and keeping you awake at night read our article on borrowing and debt, which has lots of handy information and links for further help.

Quaker Social Action is a London based organisation, but has a very good selection of links to places for further help.

[ASM]

Single girls valentine survival guide – for today and every day…

So, you’re single, you’re heart-broken, all your girlfriends are spending the day with their special loved one, and once again, you’ll be spending Valentine’s on your own. Well, we’ve got a number of reasons for you to be cheerful.

Firstly, there’ll be a lot of girls in relationships having a much worse day than you will be – filled with the disappointment that their beloved hasn’t proposed; has only bought them a cheapo bunch of forecourt flowers; or has refused to acknowledge/pretended to forget about the day altogether. So, stoked up with these merry thoughts of others’ misery, today is the perfect day to relish in your singledom and to be glad you don’t have a Valentine. Give yourself the day off from wallowing in self-pity and crying into your pillow – today with the help of BookshelfBoyfriend you’re going to love love being single and make this your special day of utterly selfish treats.

Start the day as you mean to go, and wear your best undies. So what no one’s going to see you in them? You’ll look and feel a billion times better than wearing your usual greying grannies. If all your underwear is a travesty, then make time at lunchtime to nip out and get yourself a good set. Ensure you get your bra size correctly measured at the same time (this should be done on a regular basis by the way) – and don’t forget matching knickers. Wear these in the afternoon, and you’ll certainly notice the difference. 

Buy yourself some flowers – ones that you actually like.

• Get a nice bunch from your local florist,
• Or avoid all those carbon-emitting air miles, and order some freshly cut British flowers to be delivered to you. We love, the spring joy of narcissi from the Isles of Scilly – www.scillyflowers.co.uk
• If you are still hankering for that feeling of receiving a slightly less personalised pre-packed bunch, then our tip is to get to your supermarket later in the evening, usually after 10pm – this is when bunches tend to be reduced, sometimes to as little as 10p – with just a little TLC they’ll look great and last just as long as a full-priced bunch, but you’ll have the added satisfaction of having bagged such a bargain.Pamper yourself – go out and buy new bathroom treats, or break open those fancy toiletries you’ve been saving for some long-awaited “special day”.
• Get the candles out and run yourself a lovely deep bubble-bath (yes, it’s a cliché, but we all love to luxuriate in a bath)
• If you don’t have a bath, you can still treat yourself here to some super posh shower-gel and fabulous body-lotion scented with your favourite perfume (today is not the day to be worrying about correctly applying and disappointedly analysing the results of your various anti-cellulite creams)
• Ensure some lovely clean bed sheets to climb into later for that extra feeling of post-bath loveliness.
• When you do go to bed wear your finest bed clothes – if its usually just an old T-shirt, then do as Marilyn Monroe did and wear nothing but Chanel no5 (or your own favourite perfume)Cook a yummy scrummy feel-good meal for one, like a huge salad, a stir-fry or a tasty piece of fresh fish, something that’s delicious and won’t make you feel guilty before the next bit…

  Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate – and no no, not your usual 500g Dairy Milk bar, get yourself some delicious Belgian chocolate truffles. Go on, its good for you (well dark chocolate is proven to be), it makes you feel as good as if you’re getting loads of sex (so we’re told), and heck it tastes good too… If you still feel guilty, just ensure that the chocolate is fair trade, and that should be all guilt alleviated.

  Bubbly – ok, we advise caution here, we don’t want you getting so drunk that you’re crying into your glass – so it may be best that you just buy yourself a half sized bottle of really good champers. Accompany this with some strawberries and you’ve got yourself a healthy treat too. Ok, strawberries are out of season, and consequently, not the most ethical purchase, but if you add some Fairtrade vanilla ice cream (like Greene and Blacks) to accompany those that don’t make it into your glass, then that’s some of the guilt lifted…

  Get a good movie to watch. Although really the choice for the perfect film is entirely personal, we highly recommend that tonight is not the night to be watching an overly romantic chick-flick that will send you into lonesome tears. Bookshelf Boyfriend recommends:

• Brokeback Mountain, if you want romance and extra added weepiness (RIP Heath Ledger). With a nice bit of heart-felt boy-on-boy loving, you will also be reminded that you’re better off single: even if you’re married you’ve got no security that hubby isn’t having a long affair with his best mate. Plus its also a very good film.
• Intolerable Cruelty, if you want a jaded and cynical take on romance: George Clooney; comedy; romance; George Clooney; divorce lawyers; divorce; gold-digging; pre-nuptual agreements; revenge seeking; did we say George Clooney; Elvis Presley soundtrack on a great opening title sequence – what more could you want?
• If you want George Clooney but with no suggestion of Romance, then we highly recommend Michael Clayton the thriller; its up for a few Oscars this year and has just been released on DVD – its great!
• Want to try something different? Want strong female leads preformed by perhaps the greatest and most under-rated actress ever? Then how about some classic Gena Rowlands performances from the 1970s in a couple of John Cassavete’s masterpieces like A Woman Under the Influence or Gloria.Have some unashamed and damned good “self-discovery”. That is, you want to be giving yourself an orgasm that’s going to beat anything that anyone else can ever give you. If you are in want of some additional aids then Love Honey have a huge selection of vibrators and dildos and all sorts of other fun toys. If you are in need of a bit of titillation for a warm up, then the archives of Scarlet Letters is a good place to start with a large selection of erotic prose, poetry and art.. http://scarletletters.com/
  

  Most importantly today, we hope you enjoy yourself and have realised that pampering yourself every once in a while is a whole lot of fun and should be done more often…

  If none of this has helped you pick yourself up from a recent(ish) – heck what’s seven years between friends) devastating break-up – then extra help and support can be found out www.soyouvebeendumped.com and remember, you have always got BookshelfBoyfriend to help you get through all the practical day to day stuff on your own.

  [ASM]